Somebody That I Used To Know
by Aurontalia
Summary: Another songfic of the usual series, this one is Lily/Snape and the fall-apart of their relationship/etc.


Greasy black hair brushed his shoulders, falling like a curtain and hiding his face. He looked at the floor, where his feet trod the floor making soft pad-pad sounds. He was wearing old shoes that he'd found in the attic of the house, since they hadn't had enough money to buy him new ones. Normally he would've gone with Lilly, and she wouldn't helped out a bit, or just bought him ice cream to make him feel better. He tried not to let himself think of those times now.

_Now and then I think of when we were together_

Not that he had let her buy him things all the time. But the fact remained that she came from an upper middle class family that could afford it, while he lived in a dirty shack and wore his father's old clothes.

That might be why his mother had hated him so much. He wore his father's –or his grandfather's clothes (not that it was his fault, they couldn't afford any better)- and he looked like his father, and he had the same sneer and the same smirk that his mother had grown to hate.

_Like when you said you felt so happy you could die_

Lilly didn't mind though. Lilly thought he looked funny, and once or twice he'd heard her laughing about his funny clothes with Petunia, but Lilly was too good a person to let that stop them being friends.

_Told myself that you were right for me_

He'd always had the idea when he was young that they would get married when they were older. It was a silly idea. Lilly was a mudblood, and dirty. And he had enough blood problems as a half blood. But he'd dreamed up all sorts of mad daydreams. Lilly was a pureblooded witch, and her muggle born parents had stolen her away. Lilly had been hidden away because she was one of Grindlewald's follower's child. Lilly was half Faerie, not the little sort, but the old sort that hadn't been seen in at least 100 years.

_But felt so lonely in your company_

But when he got older he had to let go of the fantasies and accept that Lilly was a Mudblood. But it was all right. Things like blood and lineages and whether the children were Squibs or not didn't seem so important around Lilly. Lilly was like a flame, blotting out everything else around her. When he was around her it was like when he'd been little, and his mother would wrap him in a warm blue blanket and cuddle him on her lap and tell him about Babbity Rabbity, and the Three Brothers.

_But that was love and it's an ache I still remember_

Not that he would admit it. Those were, silly feelings for a person to have. Very silly.

It wasn't until he was in Slytherin that he started to give up on Lilly. He tried not to, but it became obvious in his third year that things would have to change. He could've stayed with the more moderate Slytherins, and maybe stayed with Lilly. But he hated them, with their bowing and scarping to Lucius and the others, and their silly polite statements that went nowhere. Snape had no desire to be weak and at the mercy of others again.

_You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness_

But he was addicted. Addicted to Lilly, the sound of her laughing, the sight of her red hair when she spun around, the way her eyes danced with laughter, and better yet when they shone with understanding when they talked of Potions and Charms. Charming, charming Lilly. And even with the inevitable death of their friendship looming over them like the OWLs, he was still addicted.

_Like resignation to the end, always the end_

By his fourth year he was sure their relationship was at an end. Lilly of course, was oblivious, or else stubborn. He wasn't sure which. But he started avoiding talking to her in public – which only made her confused, and then made her make more of an effort to introduce him to her friends in Griffindore, which made it worse. His housemates started asking about his loyalties and he'd had to cut things off more and more.

_So when we found that we could not make sense_

Lilly had finally understood when he'd called her a Mudblood. The word had almost slipped out before, in private conversations, but she hadn't heard him say it. Lilly had been willing to let things go then a bit. She was confused, because he was avoiding her, but when they were together he wasn't treating her any differently. He'd tried explaining subtly to her that they needed to keep their distance, but she hadn't understood. Which was actually a good thing, because he suspected that if she did know hat he meant, she'd be angry.

_Well you said that we would still be friends_

When they'd been sorted into different houses, worse, RIVAL houses, she'd promised they could still be friends. He'd promised too, his little 11-year old hand clasped in hers, and her green eyes burning into his black ones and setting them alight like flame to gasoline.

_But I'll admit that I was glad it was over_

When he'd yelled those words, called her a Mudblood, it had been over. He'd been eaten up a mad pang of half guilt, half happiness. No more balancing act between Lilly and Lucius. No more trying to explain things to either side. In some ways he wondered if he could've gone the other way, renounced the Dark Arts he was studying – not that any of them were every bad, they just opened your soul up and people had silly Mugglish ideas about that- and gone to Lilly. But that wouldn't work. You couldn't renounce your own house. That would be like cutting off your own feet.

_But you didn't have to cut me off_

He'd been hurt later in classes. They hadn't been talking in classes for such a long time, but now she wouldn't look at him. She wouldn't give him a quiet little smile in potions that they always shared when they worked on separate projects, trying to see who could do it better. She kept her head down and was quiet and she didn't look at him. Even her hair seemed duller.

_Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing_

It seemed like she was determined to pretend he didn't exist.

_And I don't even need your love_

He had tried to convince himself that he didn't need her, but it wasn't true. Without her, everything rapidly descended into a mad rush of Dark Arts. Instead of remaining in the Soul Arts to the Grey Arts and just dipping his toes in the Dark Arts, he threw himself into them, learning everything he could from Avery and Lucius and Bellatrix. They had duels, ones that left him exhilarated, but also sad, because they reminded him of how he'd felt when Lilly had looked at him.

_But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough_

He'd broken down pretty quickly. After a summer of avoidance and standing outside her house, he'd spent September plotting, and had gotten it right just in time for Halloween. He'd tried to talk to her at the Halloween ball. Dressed in the mask of a hawk, black feathers from the owlry sewn into an old cloak, he knew everyone would be drunk then, and not paying attention to one silly bird.

_No you didn't have to stoop so low_

He'd bowed low, his hair falling past his mask. Lilly had looked at him, eyes hurt, before turning cold and going off to dance with Potter without a word.

_Have your friends collect your records and then change your number_

He friends had followed, a cloud of pretty girls in glittery dresses and gauzy, all fluttering past him in a snub. He hadn't been so humiliated since the time Potter had pulled off his pants. He knew she'd chosen Potter specifically to annoy him.

_I guess that I don't need that though_

He remembered his nails digging into his palms until cut and left little moon marks, watching her dance with Potter. She laughed and made cute eyes at him and pretended she cared, but he saw through it, and she knew it.

_Now you're just somebody that I used to know_

For the rest of the term he watched her with Potter, and then the rest of the Mauraders.

_Now you're just somebody that I used to know_

Lucius had noted his interest and told him he was being silly and pathetic. Lilly was just a stupid Mudblood, who'd decided to go for Potter rather than Snape. Lucius explained that it was just money, and that Snape should be glad that Lilly had given up on him and wasn't manipulating him anymore.

_Now you're just somebody that I used to know_

Sev, Severus had made himself believe that Lucius was right. Lilly was a betrayer. She probably wouldn't have been magic enough to get into Hogwarts if she hadn't been hanging around him. She was a scheming girl who just wanted Potter's money and fame and good looks, and no more use for Sev- Severus, now that she had what she wanted from him.

[Kimbra: Lilly]

From the first time Lilly meant Sev she'd loved him. Not THAT way. She was seven! Just that he'd been able to explain the little niggling feeling that she was different. He'd been the person who she went to when Petunia bullied her for being strange and magical. She spent many a summer day up in Sev's attic room reading his mother's old school books and practicing with Mrs. Snape's wand.

_Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over_

Her parents had thought they were playing a harmless game, like children do. Pretending to have magic. They'd been so shocked when her Hogwarts letter had arrived, along with a young woman with Sandy blond hair scraped back into a harsh bun who'd calmly turned herself into a cat.

_Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done_

It wasn't until she'd gone to Diagon Alley, Sev in tow with his grim, unsmiling mother that Lilly had realized she was different. Sev had told her that it didn't matter, and she'd quickly forgotten his hesitation.

_But I don't wanna live that way_

But things kept getting weirder between them. Sev avoided her. He didn't want her to hug him in public, and she hugged everyone! Even Remus, who was sometimes a Maurauder got a hug. Sev told her it was his housemates, and he didn't listen she told him they didn't run his life.

_Reading into every word you say_

He'd gotten more suspicious. The way he talked always had a double meaning. Everything about politics was stunted, and he was always careful to cut off the word Mudblood aorund her, though she knew he used it around Lucius and Avery.

_You said that you could let it go_

When he was younger, he'd always told her that she was more important than any of those things he was keeping from her. Now he looked away when she asked him what he was doing, and kept things from her when they talked about potions or another class, because he knew things that weren't in the restricted section, things students weren't supposed to know.

_And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know_

[Gotye:Snape]

_But you didn't have to cut me off_

Years later he saw her with Potter in Diagon Alley. Pregnant and big with Potter's ugly spawn. She was glowing, her hair a luxurious red-gold and her skin like china speckled with gold from her freckles. They'd looked at each other across the road, a million things in that glance, and he'd kept going.

_Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing_

He didn't want to see her like that, so much happier than she'd ever been with him, but with Potter now.

_And I don't even need your love_

Fine. If she didn't need him, then he didn't need her either, and that was the way it would be.

_But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough_

He hated it at first, blotting her out of his thoughts, the last vestage of their friendship. He burned all the photos and letters she'd sent him over the years. No more 'Dear Sev, I'm home for the holidays and 'Tuney's being a worse pest than last year..." "Dear Sev, I miss you this year! I wish you'd come home for the holidays!" Those had always been his bleakest times; the winters when she'd gone away home for the holidays and he'd stayed at Hogwarts, cold and alone and miserable.

_And you didn't have to stoop so low_

She'd always sent him letters though. Letters that told him about a happy, bright family who cared and sent presents and had snowball fights. If he didn't love Lily so much, he would've been jealous.

_Have your friends collect your records and then change your number_

He remembered in fifth year how Lily had sent Maria Snyder from Ravenclaw to collect the records she'd leant him over the summer. He'd felt so bitter, handing them over to Maria rather than Lily, and he'd thought about throwing them on the floor. Instead, he'd sneered something about how they were dirty, Mugglish things, and he didn't want them anyway.

_I guess that I don't need that though_

He didn't need a friend who left him, especially not one like Lily, who'd started going out with Potter, POTTER, his worst enemy, shortly after they'd stopped talking.

_Now you're just somebody that I used to know_

He hadn't heard much of her when he was a Death Eater. He rose slowly but surely through the ranks, guided through some of the politics by his old mentor Lucius, and using his abilities as a Potions Master to get the rest. Sometimes that twinged a bit; he and Lily had always had so much fun at Potions together – it had been the only subject they could practice on the holidays.

_Somebody_

He didn't like the killing. He didn't like the blood from Sectumsepra, and did all he could to avoid it. But even if none of it touched him, the stains afterwards couldn't be washed away by a mere shower or a bath in salt. He told himself they were animals. Just someone, someone he didn't care about and didn't care to learn about.

_(I used to know)_

He wouldn't have been able to do that when he was younger, and he counted it as a triumph against his based emotions, even as they screamed out and he buried them deep inside a place where Lily remained in his heart.

_Somebody_

But it hadn't been just anybody who the Dark Lord wanted to kill. Severus, Sev, had tried to plead for her. He'd argued that the pure blooded boy would be a better choice. He'd tried to argue, 'leave Lily, but kill the other two, she's a talented witch, we could use her.' He'd put himself at risk.

_(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)_

But it hadn't been for just anybody that he'd gone to Dumbledore, switched sides, put his own life at risk for.

_(I used to know)_

He didn't think the boy he had been before could've done that either – he wouldn't have had the humility-, the ability to bow his head, confess his sins and hope to something he didn't believe in that Dumbledore would help.

_(That I used to know)_

Dumbledore, Dumbledore, the only wizard that Voldemort had ever feared. Dumbledore, Dumbledore, who vanquished Grindelwald.

_(I used to know)_

Dumbledore, Dumbledore who'd failed at last (or perhaps had it always been his plan?), and what was supposed to be a safe haven for Lily became a harsh, black, smoking ruin against the sky, a single spark of her left behind in the form of her son Harry.

_Somebody_


End file.
